I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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