If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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