the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
