you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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