WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
