I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you had me at cake vodka
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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