Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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