your parents love me but you hate me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
