I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
