I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
