shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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