haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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