you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
