Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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