Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
