Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
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