all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
