my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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