This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
