I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
