i can't believe i had my finger in that
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
