the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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