Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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