ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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