I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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