The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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