just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
