Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
