i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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