You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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