So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight