New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....