just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.