dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
why is half of my head shaved?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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