OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
