6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
