Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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