my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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