How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
