There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
