im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
