Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
