my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You need Xanax blowdarts
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
