he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so let's talk penis.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
