I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
