I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
