Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
