Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
