i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
