just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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