Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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