So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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