I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
