Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
