someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
