I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
