tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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