I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
