Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
